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December 17, 2012

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I have gone back and forth with myself about posting on what transpired at Sandy Hook Elementary. If you'd like, you can see what I managed to get out on Instagram here. My fear is that what I have to say will come across as forced, even artificial. But I feel called to write what is on my heart at the moment, and I pray that this post makes sense, and will be used to touch even one person who finds themselves here. This is difficult and scary for me. Please, be gentle with your words, should you comment.

What I would like to share is part of my ever-evolving, very messy journey of faith. You see, faith does not come easy to me -- it never has. I'm a doubter. A questioner. Fiercely independent. Every second of belief is a hard fought victory. I am logical to a fault. I want evidence. Statistics. Studies. I demand things of God. "Just do this. Show me You exist, and I will never question You again." "How do I know that I will go to Heaven? How do I know there is a Heaven? What if all this is for nothing?" I am the defiant child, crossing my arms and jutting out my chin saying, "Prove it."

This evening, I found out that a friend who is ever-closer to my heart lost her baby, still in her womb. This child was wanted. This child was loved, and loved fiercely, by wonderful parents. Knowing how hard I am taking what took place in Connecticut, my friend even told me that she didn't want to add to my burden. And this sweet, sweet soul, who thought of me in a time of such sorrow, will have to endure delivering her babe, only to never know her child. And though she told me with certainty that this is part of God's plan, I found myself crying "No ... No ... Why? Why her? Why them? Why!"

I received these words: "I am here."

No deep, booming voice. No flashes of light, or cracks of thunder. Not even an answer, really. Just three, simple words. "I am here." Like the Whos crying up to the doubters surrounding Horton. "I am here."

I feel different. Not necessarily better, or at peace ... I'm still processing. But I am also anchoring. Tying off my tiny little boat to His ultimate understanding, knowing that I don't have to, or need to make sense of this world, because some things are beyond what the human soul can comprehend. 

He is here for me. For you, too.

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. -- Hebrews 6:19

33 comments:

  1. You know what gives me faith? Witnessing beautiful souls like your own, my dear friend. Bless you.

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  2. Ohh, sweet Katie.
    I LOVED these words.
    I find myself going through periods of doubt and questioning, too. I ask a lot of "why's?" and give a lot of "...but that's not fair!"
    What a great picture you create at the very end of your post...I, too, shall tie my tiny boat to His ultimate understanding.
    It will all make sense one day, but for now we must have faith.
    <3 you, friend!

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    1. Yes. Some words that I read this weekend come to mind: "This too shall be made right." It can be difficult to remember, but it's so important to do so.

      <3 you!

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  3. I also go through doubt but this tragedy has led me to revive my faith in God. Beautiful post and your friend will be in my prayers.

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    1. I couldn't agree more with you, Kristina. If anything, the events of the past days have solidified my faith. It's sad that it sometimes takes such tragedy to move God's people, but it's joyous indeed to be closer to Him!

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  4. Katie, this brought tears to my eyes. I too find it hard to have faith. This life can be hard, really hard and sometimes you do feel hopeless. We're going through a bit of a scary time right now and I love that we don't need to make sense of it all. That scripture is amazing. Thank God we have this hope. Thank you for sharing. Bless you, sweet one! xx

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    1. I'm so glad that you shared here, Laura, because I think that admitting faith is hard is a very unpopular thing to do. The thought seems to be that people of Christ should never question Him. Yet recently, scriptures highlighting this very thing have been brought out to me. Even Jesus himself cried out to Father God "Why?" There is nothing un-Christian about this, as long as we continue to hold in our hearts that our Savior reigns.

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  5. This is beautiful. I really can't think of any words for what happened Friday, except that everyone who died that day, the baby, they are with God now. I think, the most important thing we can do is remember that God is always good and just be grateful that we get today. And when tomorrow comes, be grateful that we have tomorrow.
    That's been helping me.
    <3

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    1. ::hugs:: Yes, I agree, sweet friend! One day at a time. Sometimes, that's the only way to move forward.

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  6. nice post!

    http://glamourgirl-bg.blogspot.com/

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    1. Thank you for visiting, GlamorousGirl.

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  7. This made me tear up Katie. What a beautiful post. I share a messy journey of faith as well, but whose journey is perfect among us? Just wanted to share these two verses that give me comfort. My grandmother's life verse always reverberates with me, Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." My verse is Psalm 139:9-10 "If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing these verses with me, Stacey -- Romans 8:28 is one of my favorite verses, but I am unfamiliar with Psalm 139:9-10 and I positively love it.

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  8. Thank you for sharing. I have a hard time with the idea that any tragedy is God's plan, whether it's the loss of a baby or marriage or anything else. Some people do find comfort in that idea, but I never did. What I see in scripture is that God redeems awful situations somehow, not that they were the plan to begin with.

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    1. I really like the way you put that, Ashley. ::hugs:: Thank you.

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  9. Katie, I am so with you! I am a questioner as well and if something doesn't make sense to me I have a hard time accepting it. I have learned, and am still learning, that God does not fit into my logic and goes far beyond my understanding.

    Yet somehow I know that He is there, that He cares and that He guides everyone of my steps. It's amazing, really!!!

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    1. I think I'm going to write that down and post it all over the house for myself! "God does not fit into my logic ..." He goes far beyond my understanding.

      THANK YOU, and thank you for becoming our newest follower! I'm looking forward to getting to know you better.

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  10. Katie, that was an amazing, touching post. I too struggle with my faith...it's usually easier not to believe...faith is HARD! I can't honestly say I had the same experience with Him after Friday...maybe I'm not listening hard enough, maybe I need to sit still for even just a few minutes, and learn to get a hold of myself and open myself to His messages. Either way, I was so touched by your post, and I too struggled with posting about the Sandy Hook tragedy. What I managed to get out in some form of a messy blog post tonight doesn't even come close to what I have been feeling over the last couple of days...

    All I know, is we are so blessed with such healthy, happy children, and I don't want to take one more day for granted with my beautiful little girl!
    xoxoxo Hugs momma!!
    Kyna

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    1. Oh, Kyna ... I know just what you mean. Faith can be such a hard thing. The times in my life, though, that I thought I didn't need or want any part of it, were even HARDER. I have to think that this desire and questioning I have was *instilled* in me. Why would we, as humans, have this? if not because we were created?

      Obviously, I don't have all the answers. This is just what's coming to mind immediately, in no organized way, haha ...

      I'm still looking forward to reading your post, and yes, how blessed we are to have our sweet girls!

      Love to you, my friend!

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  11. I loved this post Katie. I have been feeling like I should post something about what happened also, but haven't wanted it to be "forced," and haven't know completely how to describe how I feel. I love what you wrote about your own experience though- and it's so unique to you- not artificial or forced or anything. It was so neat to read- and I'm sure that this helped and gave hope to more people than you will ever know.

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    1. Thank you for your sweet, sweet words, Ali. I especially appreciate your compliment that this read as unique to me, which is how I intended it -- rather than contrived or trite -- even if it wasn't the most put-together post.

      Have a wonderful day, dear one!

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  12. The events of last Friday move me to my core. I'm not usually one of few words, but this subject causes me to literally loose all words. Whenever I feel the enemy trying to destroy what I know to be true, I replace his lies with God's truth. Your story made me tear up. To have faith like your friend, so raw and completely trusting...that's what I yearn for. God is good. God is faithful. He will deliver us shortly, but while we're still here on this sinful earth, we can be comforted by grace and love and encouraging words from Him and through our Christian friends who He gives to us specifically. You're so special to me, Katie!

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    1. Oh, sweet Michaela ... I've been thinking all day about how to reply to this comment; it made me cry, and I don't think I've come up with exactly the right words, so I'll just say thank you. Thank you for writing this! To have that raw, 100% trust in our God -- that is also what my heart desires! Thank you for reminding me that the Lord places certain people in our lives (whether in person, or through this amazing world of blogging) to encourage, convict, and bless us! You, too, are special to me, new friend.

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  13. "I am here" is such an enouragement in a sometimes dark world. Love this post.

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    1. It almost seems too simple, doesn't it? But sometimes the simplest truths are the most profound. Thank you, Leanne.

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  14. I just stumbled on your blog and read what you wrote. I relate to your feelings on faith exactly. I had a similar experience when I was in deep question over what happened at Sandy Hook and felt God spoke to my heart. Since then I have found great comfort in resting in Him and, exactly what you said, knowing I don't need to or have to make sense of this world. Casting my care....Thanks for sharing your feelings.

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    1. Hi Brooke. I so appreciate you taking the time to comment and let me know you were here. I take great comfort in the fact that I am not alone in my struggle with faith. I'm so happy that you found your way here, and I hope you'll find your way back again. Merry Christmas to you and yours.

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  15. great post. I'm a doubter but I feel there is a bigger picture :)

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    1. Thank you so much, Lisa. I'm glad you stopped by.

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  16. I am so glad I found your blog. Reading through some of your posts and I do like this one.. I get it. May peace be with you.

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